Are you burdened by heartfelt guilt? Do you beat yourself up mentally with regrets over your own actions or lack of actions as they relate to the demise of your marriage? Do you feel guilty because your marriage fell short of God’s plan? Guilt, both that earned as well as that imagined can weigh heavy on your heart.
Do any of these statements sound remotely familiar?
- I can’t get over the thought that I should have been able to save my marriage.
- If only I could take back the what I said.
- My heart aches because of what I did.
- This is all my fault. Why did I break my wedding vows?
If you’re carrying any guilt related to your marriage or divorce, I hope the thoughts below will help.
7 Steps to Coping with the Heartfelt Guilt of Divorce
- Identify the Cause of Your Guilt
Be specific. Have you been unfaithful? Have you neglected your spouse? Have you been abusive? Did you abandon your spouse? Are you feeling guilty because you couldn’t win back someone who walked out of your marriage? Did you say things you regret? Are there multiple reasons for your guilt? Write down the causes of your guilt. - Focus on the Promise. In him (Christ) we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight. Ephesians 1:7-8 (ESV)
- Ask for and Accept God’s Forgiveness
God already knows why you feel guilty and he wants to help you with that if you are truly sorry for your behavior. His forgiveness is enormously powerful but the “truly” part can’t be overlooked. When you are truly sorry, you also change your ways, follow Christ, and stop the offensive behavior. It’s a decision worth making. You can choose to live in condemnation but why would you? - Ask for Forgiveness for the Specific Things that are the Source of Your Guilt. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9 (NKJV) Divorce is not God’s will but neither does it negate his grace.
- Realize There Will Likely Still be Consequences
Knowing God has washed away your sins can bring a sense of peace with heavenly consequences. It’s important to note that on this earth, you may still have consequences for your choices. - Forgive Yourself
Once you’ve turned your guilt over to God and asked for his forgiveness, it’s time to forgive yourself. This may take repeated effort. But here’s the deal. Focusing on your guilt after God has forgiven you is a waste of time–you’re paying a price that has already been paid. - Shift Your Focus to What You Have Learned
Forgiveness doesn’t take away the earthly consequences of the choices we have made. It doesn’t make our sinful behavior right. It does clear the air between us and God. Christ took the sins of the world on himself so that we could be forgiven and set free in relationship with him. Ask God what he wants you to learn from your experiences. God can use our mistakes to build our character and faith. Shift your thoughts of guilt to thoughts of faith in God’s redeeming love and guidance. Seek the blessings he has in store for your new forgiven life in Christ.
Talk with God
Reflect on your divorce and the six points above. Talk with God on a very personal level telling him what is causing you guilt. Ask for his forgiveness today.
… let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water. Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise. Hebrews 10:21-23 (NLT)
Get Step-by-Step Support in Renee’s Award-Winning Book
Selected as an Exemplary Christian Self-Help Book by the Illumination Book Awards, Peace After Divorce inspires with reassuring Scriptures while walking you through steps that support healing from divorce and moving to a positive new life.
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