How has my Ex become so Cold and Heartless?

I’m in so much pain but he seems not to care that our marriage is over. It’s like I don’t even know him. How can he be so callused?

or…

Out of the blue she just left. I’m hurting so much but she seems perfectly fine. I hate her for being so okay when I still love her.

The Cold and Heartless Divorce Mystery

Like so many others I hear from, the two people quoted above have been left by their spouses and are floored by the coldness and indifference they feel from someone who used to love them. Maybe they knew the marriage wasn’t perfect but having the divorce-wish bomb dropped by their mates came as a total surprise. No wonder they are confused and in pain.

How can the person you married seem so okay that your marriage is ending when you are so devastated?

Baffled and wounded I wondered the same thing. If this is your story too, having an answer to the question won’t instantly stop your pain, but it can help you make more sense of the discrepancy between how you feel and how your soon-to-be-ex (or ex) feels.

The Emotional Divorce

There are actually two divorces, the legal divorce and the emotional divorce. Rarely are spouses at the same place at the same time in the emotional divorce. A person’s emotional divorce may happen before or after the legal divorce.

People who want a divorce start to let go of their marriage when they first realize that, for whatever reason, the relationship isn’t working for them. Over time they emotionally disengage until they finally have emotionally removed themselves enough to announce they want a divorce. On the other hand, their spouses may not start their own emotional divorces until after they get over the shock of learning their marriages will be ending.

“I want a divorce,” comes toward the end of one person’s emotional divorce and at the beginning of the other person’s emotional divorce.

In short, a leaving spouse is finally feeling relief just at the time he or she punches the unsuspecting spouse in the gut with the word divorce. This often creates bewilderment and confusion for the person who is being left. It’s at least part of why the leaving spouse may seem cold, callused, or unemotional at the very time the spouse who is being left is in the greatest emotional turmoil.

Does that make sense?

Does it help you understand why your spouse seems to be at such a different place than you? I know it doesn’t take away the pain and shock but it can help to understand why you are worlds apart in your emotions.

Getting through the Pain

Healing from loss of your spouse is a journey I know well. I’ve felt the confusion, embarrassment, heartache, anger, sadness, and disillusionment. I know moving to your own emotional divorce takes time and intent.

So, where do you start? Divorce, especially an unwanted divorce is so overwhelming. You want to feel better and cope better but how?

Well, there are real-life things you can do that help. Better yet, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own. The book Peace After Divorce steers you in a positive direction by giving you sound content as well as questions you can personalize to your own life. But don’t take my word for it, here are a couple of reviews and you can read more on Amazon.

I loved this book. So many good instructions to apply to your life to move forward after a divorce. Being a Christian and getting divorce adds so much guilt and pain to the process. When we marry, we expect to be married for life, but God had other plans. It will help you to heal and move forward while staying close to God. If you can take the class with it the helps even more.  -Reader Review

This is an amazing workbook to help the reader understand the love of God and how to navigate through the trauma of divorce.  -Reader Review

You can find peace, joy, and a new life.

Christian Inspiration:

Call upon Me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you shall glorify Me.  Psalm 50:15 NKJV