Divorce and Overcoming Feelings of Being a Failure
For me one of the worse things about separation and divorce was feeling like I failed. Marriage means so much to me. Yet, I felt like I failed my marriage, failed my vows, failed myself, failed my family, and failed God. I felt lower than I had ever felt in my life. Do you find yourself feeling that way?
For Christians marriage is more than a legal arrangement, it is a covenant. Feelings of failure when a marriage ends can be overwhelming.
But here’s the kicker…If you allow yourself to go through life seeing yourself as a failure due to divorce, you cut short your own potential and limit the joy God wants you to have in Him.
You got married to stay married forever and now your marriage is over. How do you move past feeling like a failure? How can you re-group your sense of self when your “happily-ever-after” does not turn out that way?
Here are some things to consider:
Differentiate…
- Recognize the difference between having a failed experience and being a failure. Just because you tried something and failed does not mean you as a person are a failure.
- Understand that divorce is an experience not an identity. Your marriage ended but who YOU ARE is a loved child of Father God.
Read those two again.
Rejoice…
- God already knows you are not perfect. That’s why Jesus died to save you. He’s got you covered.
- God will forgive you for any ways in which you fell short in your marriage if you sincerely ask.
Say prayers of thanksgiving for these blessings!
Learn…
- Turn your sense of failure into a learning experience. Ask God to help you identify what you can learn from your marriage and divorce that will help you to move forward to a better life.
Talk with God about this now. Start a written list of what you have learned.
It is amazing that God is so full of grace. How wonderful He is! Give your sense of failure to Him. He lifts burdens. He is full of new beginnings.
What’s more, He loves you. Let Him teach you what He would have you learn from your marriage and divorce. And rest assured, God values you very much. You do not have to be defined by your divorce.
Christian Thought for Today:
Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:6-7 NIV
Get Help for Healing
Renee’s book, Peace After Divorce, walks you step-by-step through questions that support healing from and coping with divorce.
I just found your website and can relate with so many others. I have been divorced for 20 years and my ex chose not to be involved in my daughter’s life from the time of our divorce and his remarriage until he divorced his second wife…a span of ten years. Our son got engaged and married and had a baby (years 11 and 12) and my ex and I made it through the wedding and birth being very civil and taking turns at holidays. My ex wooed our daughter back with expensive gifts and $$ and soon after, my daughter quit speaking to me after her boyfriend (now husband) called me a deadbeat. (He had moved in with my daughter who had been renting my very nice rental house at 1/4th what I had been previously renting it for–a loss to me monthly of $1,100 in income!). She since has married him and had 3 babies, and I wasn’t invited to the wedding or the births. I have never met my grandchildren. It has hurt me SO much and I have been consumed with grief. A cardiac nurse told me there is a real broken heart syndrome and that I needed to somehow get over it or I will die. I have prayed, had counseling, and finally found some joy in my life through painting. I pray for her family and the strain it has put on my son’s family. It took me awhile to quit asking questions of my son who has tried to stay out of it. He just knew she would speak to me again if I apologized and I did write her a letter asking her forgiveness for my part in the divorce and asking for a New Beginning. That was a couple years ago. She said she doesn’t hate me anymore but doesn’t want me in her life. Now it has been nearly 8 years and her father is extremely active in each of our children’s lives and each year that goes by, I am being excluded more and more. He is a doctor and can afford to fly from FL to Texas frequently and he also flies them to his beach house and mountain house. . . .
WHICH brings me to the point: above you quote 1 Peter 5:6-7. I noticed right away the Scripture verse says IN DUE TIME in verse 6. Reading further, verse 8 speaks of the devil as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. I hope you remind those that are hurting and suffering that verse 9 goes on to say “Resist him [the devil], steadfast in faith; knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world.”
That is what your ministry is about–the brother and sisterhood in Christ can be “perfected, established, strengthened and settled” [verse 10] through the God of all Grace. I thank you for that.
As for myself, I was feeling angry and betrayed and asking “Why?” once again. Reading others’ experiences made me realize I am not alone and suffering as Christ suffered is part of our humanity. We should pray for each other in our shared circumstances for peace and joy to rise above the hurt.
Mary, thank you for this post. You are truly not alone. Divorce and its spin-off devastates many people and can have long-lingering effects. The challenges can be many, including in our heads and hearts. You’re right, praying for each other is most important. What you say is true, only Christ can really help us heal and rise above the pain of our circumstances to find peace and joy in life. We are blessed to be able to call on God’s higher power. Do you have a Peace after Divorce group in your area? If so, I think you would benefit from attending. If not, you may wish to join the online self-study. God loves you! Thank you again for your comment. Peace. Renee Smith Ettline