What if… Divorce Has Ruined My Life?

Life seemed like a scary fog when I was going through divorce. There were too many unknowns, too much upheaval. Divorce was energy draining and scary for sure.

• What if I can’t handle everything on my own?
• What if I run out of money?
• What if the children suffer? Or, what if I never get to have children?
• What if I go through the rest of my life alone?
• What if people judge me because my marriage failed?
• What if divorce causes God to turn away from me?

When these “What ifs…” flood your mind and they are more than a little intimidating. All together they can be truly overwhelming. Your brain runs wild with the unknowns, conjuring distressing things that stir fear and anxiety. It’s exhausting and stressful but very human.

Sound familiar?

I’ve lost one husband to divorce and another to heaven. Navigating loss is real to me. Even though I was accustomed to being able to handle life, the curve ball received when life turned totally upside down was hard to take.

How to Find Peace in the Face of Divorce

If you have a ton of “What ifs?” you are not alone. The unknown is fertile ground for our imaginations. An unwanted divorce, or even a divorce you feel forced to choose, causes a keen awareness of loss. It’s an awareness that can set us up to look for the next axe to fall in our lives.

But, the next axe doesn’t always fall.

Of course you may be anxious, but what if you find each success you have in handling life on your own builds your confidence?

Choosing more positive “What ifs?” doesn’t change reality, but it does help you process those realities in a way that sets you up for victory rather than defeat. Consider these more positive “What ifs?”.

• What if re-examining your budget makes managing finances doable? What if you find a more lucrative job?
• What if despite the adjustments children have to make, they  flourish with your love and support? What if you do have children, just a little later in life?
• What if you find singleness to be liberating? Or, what if you eventually meet a wonderful new mate?
• What if you make new friends? What if with God’s help you become confident enough to let go of concern about others’ judgements?
• What if divorce causes you to lean into God who has compassion for your pain and who is your greatest resource for healing?

Four Choices that Helped Me

I had to:

1. Make a conscious effort to shift my “What ifs?” from the negative to the positive. That doesn’t come naturally for most of us but making the choice to do it paid off.
2. Get real about the negative messages my brain conjured. The truth is that while what we fear can seem very real, the worse case scenarios we imagine often never happen. We make ourselves suffer as we stew over unlikely events. The truth is, things are not likely to end up as bad as you fear.
3. Recognize my ability to influence outcomes. Somethings are beyond our control and that’s especially true if you are in an unwanted divorce. Even still some of our negative “What ifs” open the door for us to figure out what actions we can take to avert the very things we fear. For example, if finances are a concern, what steps can you take to address that?
4. Check my negative “What ifs” against the truths of God. God doesn’t promise us a trouble-free life but knowing he has my back has sure helped me to have hope in the worst of situations. It has also given me peace at times when peace seemed illogical.

The truth is, God loves me and he loves you. He offers himself as our anchor even when circumstances stink. Talking with God and reading his Word can help you see that our loving Heavenly Father walks with you through the fire. Knowing these things makes it easier to turn your scary “What ifs” into thoughts rooted in hope and positive possibilities. It helped me to pull out of the mire of negative thinking, suffer less, and start to seek the brighter side of life.

How about You? Tell us your scariest “What if?”

Please share your thoughts in the comments.

More Help

Your thinking plays a tremendous role in how well you handle the impact of divorce.  Renee’s book, Peace After Divorce can help. Get step-by-step help.

Click the book image to learn more.