Coping with Divorce and Gossip

It’s like this friend wants to wallow in my misery. I don’t need it. I’m trying to heal and move forward with my life.

Do you know people like that?

People who want to dwell on what a louse your ex is or probe you for juicy details you’d rather not share?

Sometimes people ask questions because they are concerned. Their hearts may be in the right place but they don’t know how to help you heal from divorce. Others are just looking for a juicy story or some gossip. You probably know some of each.

Four Warning Signs

People who just want to wallow in your misery because they love drama will likely bring you down.

Beware if the person

Is quick to share the latest updates or gossip about your ex,
Focuses their conversations with you on how you’ve been done wrong,
Seems to enjoy dragging you through the mud of your divorce,
Asks questions that are too personal.

People who exhibit these patterns do not help you heal from divorce.

Don’t Fall Prey!

You can politely stand up for yourself. You have a right to set boundaries. Start by clarifying them in your own head.

You have the right to determine what you want to share, with whom you wish to share it, and when you want to share it.
You have the right to choose to work through the pain of divorce and heal rather than wallow in it just because someone else finds it interesting.
You have a right to set the past behind you and move forward.

Refuse to Go Where They Lead

When you feel like someone is pushing you beyond your limit about your separation and divorce, you can learn to set boundaries by respectfully saying such things as:

“Thanks for your concern but I’ve nothing I want to share on that topic.”
“I’ve decided to stop looking back and start looking forward.”
“I wish he were different but he isn’t so I need to accept that and can get on with my life.”
“I’m not interested in talking about my ex.”
“I never want to trash talk my children’s other parent, especially if the kids can hear me.”
“Let’s not go there, it just drags me down.”

Finding Peace

Here are two thoughts from the Word of God that can help you when your coping with divorce and gossip:

A perverse person stirs up conflict, and a gossip separates friends. Proverbs 16:28

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8 NIV

If you spend time with those who pass gossip to you about your ex and who want to drag you through the mud, you will be allowing that person to stir up conflict in your own mind and heart. You have a right to politely but firmly set boundaries with these people and to distance yourself from them if they persist in bringing you down. Dealing with divorce is hard and we do need time to process our losses and work through our grief. Yet, we don’t need others to impede our ability to move forward in healing.

Philippians tells us that we should instead focus our minds on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable and praiseworthy. As we begin to heal from divorce, there will be ups and downs. But, remembering the praiseworthy things in our lives refocus us on the blessings and hope we have in Christ.

Think About It

Is there anyone in your life who is holding you back from healing by asking probing questions or dwelling on how you’ve been done wrong? What right do you need to claim when dealing with this person? How can you keep your own mind

Healing the Hearts and Souls of Divorce

Renee Smith Ettline wants to support you as you deal with the turmoil of separation and work toward healing from divorce. For step-by-step help that supports healing from divorce, read her award-winning book, Peace after Divorce which has been recognized as an exemplary Christian self-help book by the Illumination Book Awards.